Today was no different. I live very close to the temple this summer and I am trying to take advantage of that while I can by walking there almost every day. The temple is a place where I can reflect on what is going on in my life and try to figure out how to come closer to my Father in Heaven and Savior. I'm going to be vulnerable here in saying that lately I have felt distant from Heavenly Father. I haven't been praying much because I feel like I don't have anything to say. When I kneel down at night my prayers have been insincere and sound like this, "Sorry... I don't know what to say. Goodnight." and then I lay in bed not being able to fall asleep because I am racking my brain of what I really should say to Him and how He deserves so much better than I'm giving Him. When my prayers are like this I am more "prone to wander" and I fall and do things that disappoint my Heavenly Father. I feel like have been removing myself from Him and have told myself He doesn't want to hear from me. "I'm too far gone" Those of you that know me may be shocked to hear I have felt this way. But I have, and my feelings were deep, real, and heartbreaking.
Well, tonight I planned my walk to the temple and I decided I'd be there to say a quick prayer and be on my way. As I walked, I was listening to some hymns and I decided to sit on the grass looking up at the glorious House of God. I sat there listening, when I heard a faint, but desperate sounding mew. I paused my music to see if I was imagining it, but the little mew continued. It was the most sad and most scared sounding noise I've ever heard from a cat. I followed the noise and saw a teeny tiny kitten on the inside of the temple grounds. Because it is Monday, the gates aren't open and the poor thing was terrified, hurting, completely lost, and unreachable.
I started calling her and rustling leaves to get her to come closer. I wanted to help her find her home. When she would get close to me and not know what I was doing, she would panic and run away. I didn't want to give up on her. I kept clicking my tongue, moving plants to get her hunter instinct going and get her to come closer to me, meowing at her, doing everything I could to get her close enough to help her. There was one point where she was close enough to catch her, but my hand spooked her and she ran away. I was there trying to retrieve her for almost an hour. It's when I said to her, "Come to me, kitty!" that I stopped dead in my tracks and noticed the magnificent building in front of me. I had an overwhelming feeling that this situation was exactly how Heavenly Father was feeling towards me.
At times I feel lost, terrified, hurt, and like my Heavenly Father's love can't reach me. I cry out for help, but I won't actually let Him help me. I feel desperate and don't know where to go. Things in my life lead me to where I am supposed to be, but I get spooked and don't trust the hand that is only trying to help me. But even when I run away or do something that is only hurting me, He is still right there- trying to get me to come to Him and to trust in Him. He will always be right there, squatting next to me, loving me, encouraging me, helping me realize there are others that love me and want me with them. But it's all up to me. I have to get close enough to Him for Him to be able to lift me, carry me, and take me somewhere safe. Although there are times I turn away from Him, His hand is stretched out still. (2 Nephi 19:21)
Eventually the little sweetie did get close enough for me to help her. I reached out, picked her up, and brought her home. But being a college student I won't be able to keep her because of strict no pet rules in apartment complexes. I'm trying to find her home so that she can get back to the people that are missing her. I've heard you aren't supposed to name animals that you're not going to keep so you don't get attached, but I can't keep myself from calling her Angel.
